Every Wednesday I drop my daughter off at preschool, grab a latte, and then Ev and I head off to do our grocery shopping. We go to a small grocery store that has that small town feel (I grew up in a small town so I love this) where the shelves don’t go to the ceiling, making you feel claustrophobic, and the employees know us well.
The Ears
Ev is a pretty good little shopper. He enjoys people watching and flirting with the blue haired old ladies who abound on Wednesdays (it’s double ad day!) There are a few employees we see nearly every week and know Ev by name. They have enjoyed watching him grow from a baby to a toddler this last 16 months and I love how they ask about him! We also are always meeting new people at Gymboree, swim lessons, Target, Costso, at restaurants…and they always seem so enthralled with Ev and are always asking us about him (I think it’s the ears…)
But…if one more person asks me if he is talking yet…I may explode.
Yes, yes, yes…I know they mean well. I know they are just trying to make conversation. I get it. And most of these people have no idea what I do for a living. I actually prefer to keep that part to myself and watch to see what they say when I say “Nope….not talking yet.”
And it’s funny. I either get the “Oh he’ll be just fine!” or…the concerned look and the “Oh…really? Mmmmmm…”
When you become a mom…all of a sudden you start getting a lot of opinions from others about your child’s development, your parenting, what to feed you child and when…it’s crazy. (Ok so it really starts the moment you get knocked up…but I won’t go there today!) Don’t even get me started on the “mom wars” where mothers tear each other apart for their individual choices in breast feeding or formula feeding, co sleeping or crib sleeping, circumcising or not circumcising, attachment parenting or traditional parenting. If you had thin skin before becoming a mom you better thicken up because everyone has an opinion and you know what they say about opinions, don’t you? 😉
Here are just some of the top questions and comments I can think of off the top of my head that I have been asked over the last 3.5 years as a mother:
Why do I need to talk when I can get the cookies all by myself, Mommy?
- “How long are you going to breastfeed for? You know if they are old enough to ask for it they are too old…” (Because there are so many kids in kindergarten who are still breastfeeding, right?)
- “You CO SLEEP? You know you will never get your child to sleep alone, right?” (Yes, I will need to go to college with my child because she will never ever sleep alone…)
- “Wow…what are you feeding her??” (Answer: Breast milk only! My daughter was a CHUNK as an infant)
- “How is she/he sleeping?” and “Does she/he sleep through the night yet?” (This one is CONSTANT from the day they are born and for the record…my kids don’t sleep! So stop asking!)
- “You have to let them cry it out….it’s the only way to get them to sleep through the night” (Right…because I’m sure my daughter was just trying to manipulate us…not suffering from pain from an invisible disease we didn’t know she had yet. I’m also sure she was faking the night terrors for…the last two years…)
- “Have your tried XYZ for your daughter’s Juvenile Arthritis? I have a friend’s sister’s cousin’s best friend’s neighbors cable guy whose daughter had JA and they used X and now she is cured!” (Nope….but I have been using the research backed treatments, do those count?)
- “Why didn’t you circumcise him?” (Seriously…at two weeks old a stranger asked me this. Really? You want to talk about my kids junk? I don’t ask you about YOUR kid’s junk!)
And yes…the current one I hear constantly is “Is he talking yet?” Sigh.
No, no he isn’t. I imagine when it’s time to head off to college I am going to need to go with him…because he surely will still be using sign language still and not speech, he will still be nursing and co sleeping, and even though only 30% of boys are circumcised today, he will somehow be traumatized because we chose not to alter his body at birth. 😉
Luckily, I am pretty secure in my parenting and 99% of the time I let these silly comments roll right off my back. But sometimes no matter how sincere the question, you just get tired of answering it. What questions drive you crazy?
I LOVE this post Katie…it rings true to EVERY mother out there! I remember getting all of these questions and more, and specifically the ones about talking for all three of my girls.
You did, however, forget my FAVORITE question…”Is she/he a “good” baby?” I always wondered how any baby could not be good. Did good mean that she never cried, never had blow-outs, always slept through the night, and never needed any additional attention? Can babies be good or bad? This question always made me scream inside!
You are a great SLP mom!
Casey…bahahahaha YES! “Is he a good baby??” I forgot that one. “No, actually he is a TERRIBLE baby and I plan on giving him to the Gypsies and trying for a better one.” 😉
This one drives me bonkers too! I don’t know how many times I have answered, “Well, all babies are good babies; she is very easy,” or “Well, all babies are good babies; he keeps us on our toes.”
Seriously! It always amazes me how much some people think they know, even when they don’t know me or my children at all! One that surprises me lately is when complete strangers ask my daughter what preschool she goes to!
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Oh…I love the way you presented this-it gave me a good laugh today and reminded me that I am not alone! I loved it when people told me how my baby needs to be eating cereal at a week old to sleep through the night and that the doctors don’t know anything about this. I get the thing about-she doesn’t seem like she is talking that much from people in my own family at times (my other two talked really young), but I reassure them that there are variations of normal. It doesn’t really seem to sink in at times. My most favorite is-“You think you know, but you don’t-just wait until your kids get older”….like it is some inevitable fate that is waiting for all of us. I am not ever saying that my kids will be perfect, etc, but I am not going to throw in the towel and say that they will make awful mistakes when they are older and make my life miserable. I honestly think they will always be great respectful people and we may hit some bumps, but not mountains. That’s just the way I am going to continue to keep thinking! 🙂
Oh my gosh – AMEN! My son has been in speech since he was 2, so we get a lot of those talking questions. The one that has bothered me the most is “do you read to him?” YES. I am a teacher and we read and read and read. He just did not want to talk! ( Now he talks non-stop, but we are working on articulation.)
Now, with my daughter… She was born in may with several severe heart defects. We found out when we were pregnant. I had one person ask what we expected of her cognitively. One person even asked how we could choose to do this to her (they thought we should abort).
One of her main heart defects is that she is single ventricle. So, she basically has half of a heart. Her half of a heart is working just as hard as our full hearts… So, we struggle greatly with weight. She burns a lot of her calories while eating. If one more person asks me if she was premature or if her doctors are concerned I might scream. If they only knew what she has been through in her short life. And the insinuations that I am not doing basic things to help her is just crazy! Like you, I am doing ever research based and doctor approved thing I can to help her.
The worst is the “she is all better now! what are you so worried about?” I know they mean well, but Madison heart will never be fixed. We have more surgeries in the future and most likely a transplant. It is just hard to have to justify my worry – stating some of my greatest fears and some of our harshest realities outloud.She really is doing fabulous right now, so I know her looks can be very confusing for some people.
I sound very negative and do not mean to be! Most people are awesome. 🙂 I do not mind talking about her defects at all – in fact, I seek out opportunities to so that I can spread awareness. It is just a few questions that can be hard to hear over and over – especially when said in particular tones 🙂
Thanks for another great post 🙂
My list is about the same! My youngest is now getting close to 5, though, and it seems my husband has forgotten our shared annoyance about the sleep question! back when we had babies, we had a list of other questions to ask parents. But I audibly gasped when I recently heard him ask a parent of a 10-month-old, “So, is he sleeping through the night?” 😉
Oh, Brandi, you definitely had a hard go!
I decided to have my daughter, despite my relationship ending shortly before discovering that I was pregnant. The comments that I received and still do are shockingly personal.
However, my favourite comment came at the supermarket last week. My daughter is 9months and starting to try to grab items from the shelves; a woman watching actually said, “If you break it, your daddy will give you a good spanking when you get home.” I didn’t know which one of her horrendous assumptions to correct first, so I just said “No, we don’t abuse children in our home,” and walked away.
Great post, I loved reading it! When my oldest was a baby, a lady in Barnes and Noble asked me if I was breastfeeding. When I told her I was, she looked down at my chest and said “Really? I never would have guessed that!” I was speechless. More recently, my favorite is “What?? You have a 15-year old?” I usually take it as a compliment, but not from the dad of one my clients who asked me if I got started in middle school. Again, really not sure how to respond (especially since I was working and had to be professional).
Oh, and I get all the JA “helpful advice” too!
Oh thanks for this! I really needed a GOOD laugh! The question that I get {and have got} with all my kids are, “Is he/she walking yet?” My son is the same age as yours, and he isn’t walking or talking yet. Yes, he walks on his own {cruising} but not without holding onto something or someone. His brother who is 11 1/2 months older than he is, did the exact same thing. By 17 months he finally walked without assistance. I have my Early Childhood Education Degree as well as my teaching degree and have worked with a multitude of children. BUT the most important factor that helps me with whether or not I know my child is developing ‘properly’ is my own God-given motherly instinct. He’s fine and will accomplish each milestone when he is good and ready.
BTW, your son Ev is a “cutie- patootie” {It’s obvious why he gets a lot of attention when your out and about}. 😉
Yes, I’m so tired of the, “Is he talking yet?” My son is almost 18 months old and is saying 3 words. The doctor says he should be saying at least 6 words by now and that we should have him evaluated. This just burns me up! He communicates like crazy and his receptive language is superb. He will talk when he is ready!
boy, this post exactly hits the spot! being an SLP and new mom, there is this added pressure by all of my colleagues (i work in the school setting) that my baby must be reciting the rainbow passage by now. i even admit to having pressure on myself in thinking that my baby will for sure be spouting out an extensive expressive vocabulary by the time she hit 12 months. and guess what? she is 14 months, and other than numerous animals sounds and your basics of mama, dada, and more, she has chosen to practice the incredibly functional words of “soccer” and “blackjack” (the latter being a dog’s name at daycare…terrible out of context I realize…) it’s ridiculous the questions and “advice” you get while out and about.
i still feel the worst, though, is the inevitable “is she sleeping through the night?” once those six words leave the lips of that person and dangle in the air, i feel as if a curse has been immediately placed. it is murphy’s law that after than short conversation, my baby WILL NOT SLEEP.
Well, is he talking yet is the CONSTANT question I get asked. And since my kid is 2 1/2 (and yes, somewhat delayed) I get, “Have you thought about taking him to see a doctor, therapist, etc.?” I want to say, “No. I never considered getting my child the help he needs.” (sarcastically of course.) Or maybe I could say, “Yes. I stayed up half the night last night worrying about his speech delay and if insurance will pay for it.” The other thing that drives me crazy is that strangers have started making comments TO my older son. They’ll say things like, “wow, you’re only 4. I bet you’ll be 5 soon.” When I tell them he turned 4 at the beginning of May, they say, “Wow. you are really tall!” I know they are just being conversational but it makes me wonder how he’s perceiving it. I guess I just have to laugh it off and get thicker skin. I hope that I’ve also learned from it and I am more sensitive to other parents and kids in my comments. great post.
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For starters, I just came across your website from Pinterest and think it is great. And, this article made me laugh!
I am so sick of being asked if my son is walking yet. He is almost 15 months old and cruises along furniture, climbs on everything, and crawls like a mad man. He will walk when he is ready and I am not worried about it at all. But, all of our friends and relatives are surprised he isn’t walking. My cousin, who doesn’t even have any kids, said “I can’t believe he isn’t walking, there must be something wrong”. And, my SO’s mom told me I carry him too much and that’s why he isn’t walking. When really he crawls everywhere he wants to go.
I’m also sick of being asked how long I’ll breastfeed him. I’ve been told I should have stopped at 6 months and that it’s not good I’ve let him nurse past 12 months. Like you said, I’ll probably be escorting my son while he crawls into college and wants to nurse in the dinning commons.
Hi Emily and welcome! Yes….the BFing questions in particular get old. Don’t worry….with my second the questions didn’t start until he was close to 15 months 😉 You are doing great. Remember that other people are not the experts on your child. Hope he takes those first steps soon! 🙂
Just wait until they are all grown up, get engaged and are planning their wedding. The question I get asked now is “Do you like her?” What am I supposed to say to that???
The early annoyance: “She’s wet AGAIN?” No, I am just changing her diaper for the 5th time in the last hour because it’s fun. Yes she is wet again, no it can’t wait… do you want to listen to her cry because she is uncomfortable? I know I don’t.
Now, it’s: “What do you mean you’re leaving?” Me: “She needs to get home so we can put her to bed.” “Oh just go put her down in the other room.” Umm… let’s try no. She is on a schedule, and a happy girl when she is on her schedule (=happy mommy), and when she is not, she is not happy, up all night, fussy and crying,(=tired, up at 4:30a for work, mommy).
People mean well but need to mind their own Ps and Qs.